Chief Powwow says Bow

I am leaving.

In the unlikely event that you know of an opening for a food critic somewhere, please write.

God speed.

Non called and insisted to read this out loud

“A Scorpio woman is private, deeply mysterious and highly passionate. You will never know what she’s really thinking. Ruled by Mars, she is fiercely protective of her friends and can be formidable in the face of the enemy. Determined and stubborn, the Scorpio woman has stamina, tenacity and staying power. Sexual; intense and emotional, she’s the one with the gutter and silk thigh highs under the prim tweed suit.”

…for she claim to be nodding to every single word, thinking of me.

Stubborn? Me?

Sheeshh…

Feed me I’m HAPPPYYYYYY!!

I suffer from a psychological problem: while fasting, my body shuts down beginning Asar. This must relate to my early fasting experience – to come home from religious school completely knackered every afternoon. Man, the psychological impact is likely to stay for life!

On this shut down mode, I’d be extremely quiet – if you’re lucky. This fluctuates of course, and I can get very bitchy and violent too. Poor Malena’s Mr. Mine was together with us in the car one time and he later asked Malena, “She tak pernah puasa ke?”

(To which she responded nonchalantly “No lah. She gets like this even when she’s not fasting, but extremely hungry”)

This fasting month is no different. But I try not to bite my colleague’s head off during the day, and reward myself with insanely good food at iftar.

The girls took me out last Monday for my birthday dinner. The pizza was excellent, the pasta delightful, the Cajun Grill fineeee, and the tiramisu & bananone were heavenly. And the gang got me a very sweet card, and this oh-so-gorgeous corduroy jacket that I’ve been longing for but could not afford.

The next day we tagged along Sicko to the buffet at Shangri-La. We stepped into the dessert stretch to come before a Chocolate Fountain.

O sweet Lord!

It was like having a water feature in the middle of the buffet table. Except that, instead of water, it was chocolate. Instead of leaves and frog ornaments around it, there were strawberries, grapes & marshmallows. Instead of fishes in it, I was the one hoping to bathe in it!

What you do is prod the fruits with a skewer and dunk it deep into the fountain. The result? *Blood boiling body shaking* Orgasmic.

I have indeed found my one true love. Food. And my love is pure. My love is true.

And as George Ber-NARD (Yin, take note) Shaw said –
there is no sincerer love than the love for food.
I could have said the same thing, but it wouldn’t have carried the same impact.

I think about food as often as men think about sex – every 30 seconds.

On not having Sex

I uphold that heterosexual men and women can be platonic friends.

To me, friends are friends. They so happen to be female. Or male. She-male. Whatever. To me, my connection and wavelength with the other person overrides the gender factor.

I like to consider myself to have many friends. Those fun to hang out with; those to go to the movies with; those few who’d drop everything and come by my side in my time of need; those I haven’t seen in years, but the next time we saw each other again, it was like we never lost touch; those I ask for advice; those patient ones who listen to my endless rants and put up with my moods.

And yes, they are both gals and guys. Do I have to limit my connections simply because some of them have dicks and I’ve got a hole?

Of course platonic relationships may get trickier if your partner doesn’t believe in it. You may get into trouble trying to convince him/her that having the opposite gender as friends has nothing to do with his/her own inadequacies and that you are in no way trying to find another partner.

We are all adults. And we trust (no?). We must know our limits. For me the acid test is simple - for whatever I mind my partner to be doing, I won’t do it too. This works both ways. As some of us are more liberal in our approach (and some others more conservative), you both as partners need to establish what is okay between the two of you.

This goes back to the real intent, of course. In being friends with the opposite sex, you always know if your intent is clear or you’re fishing for more.

The latter is clearly a different scope altogether. For the moment you want something more from the other person, it is no longer platonic. The moment you want something more, cut the crap of “Oh if I can’t have him/her, at least I want him/her as a friend”. Because you’ll always carry a glimmer of hope within you, silently praying that one day, your “friend” will come around. Please, if you are in this situation, stop kidding yourself and you're better off sucking an egg.

But another question arises – what if your platonic friend wants to take a step further? Yes this is likely to happen too.

Someone said to me recently, “We are easily clouded between friendship and a sense of attachment. We mistake understanding and passion.”

This got me thinking. Maybe, in every platonic relationship, one of you will reach a crossroad – could there be more to this? If so, at this point, both need to know where the other is standing. If both decides to give it a try, great! If not, hopefully you’re both mature enough to let go and remain close all the same.

Yin told me, “There’s no such thing as being platonic when you’re pretty”. To which, Malena agreed (though I do not think she knew I was quoting Yin).

Thing is, Malena has been hot all her life. Her experiences of men befriending her either ended with a marriage proposal over chicken rice or getting pounced at in the car at the end of the first innocent outing. I honestly do not know which of the two is worse.

I, on the other hand, look like Steve Urkel from Family Matters. Well, back in school at least.
(This is where you realize that all my claims to be a hot chick are cock talk) Whatever it is, despite how hot I claim myself to be, I don’t expect every Tom, Dick & Harry to be interested in me.

Hot or not, I’ve realized that being ok with platonic relationships is not common. My sangka baik attitude and friendliness has landed me more share of trouble than needed. Riz claimed that I’m a natural flirt and AA does not only stand for Alcoholic Anonymous, but also Arysa Anonymous. Ah sweetie, if the latter do exist, you'd make an automatic member *wink*

I admit that platonic relationships are tricky. If he/she has indicated interest, and you have said no, how can you be sure that staying friends will not give him/her hope? On one hand you do not want to lose the friendship, but on the other you do not want to lead the other person on. Tough judgment call eh?

All the same, can platonic relationships exist? Hell yes. So Malena, does this answer YOUR entry?

*muahh*

This morning, it wasn't the lack of powder or colours on my face that was commented upon. Instead,

"How can you wear blue suits, mustard coloured handbag, and black shoes? I thought you bought your stuffs matched to your other stuffs as well?"

Justifications in my head:

blue suits - fresh from the dry cleaners (read: no early morning ironing)
mustard coloured handbag - not ok ah? (read: it matched whatever I was wearing yesterday)
black shoes - I feel like black flats today (read: I feel like black flats today)

But did I say anything?

Nahh...

I salam her hand, kissed her on the cheeks and headed for the door.

mood: pastel

song in my head: And I (Boyzone)

smell: Sicko's sick car freshener

tummy says: I'm HUNGGRYYYY!!!

... and it's only 9 in the morning...

The rain was heavy last night, so I ended up bunking over at Shir’s.

This morning, I had no other options but to borrow some of Non’s clothes to go to work. It was a bit tricky, considering that she’s a good few inches shorter and one size smaller.

I left the house wearing a fitted top, black trousers and black jacket. Corporate look, yes. But should you look closely, you’d realize that the trousers I had on were stretchable flare, with slit at the bottom of each leg. Corporate look, my ass! Non even chuckled, “I normally wear these when I go clubbing”

I laid low the whole day - because of the clothes - but also coz I was an unpleasant company. Came close to losing my temper many times, and was on Messenger complaining to a dear friend, Riz:


Riz: hmmm...guess what?
Riz: u r just listless...and bored.... and lonely
Riz: told you, you need a hug
I: gee thanks for pointing all that is wrong in my life
Riz: a hah! That’s what wrong Arysa!
Riz: being bored and listless and lonely are not "wrong", that’s all normal
Riz: nothing wrong with your life u know? You are a successful, attractive, beautiful person
Riz: with a kind heart, in a steady job...
Riz: you have your health, a roof over your head
Riz: tangan, kaki, jari semua cukup kan?
I: yes cukup
I: success is relative
I: attractive is relative
I: beautiful is relative
Riz: that’s the problem, everything is "relative". But relative to what?
I: i dont know
I: dah la Riz, ignore me
Riz: mana boleh ignore.... macam cancer tau
I: dah la… I am just a sulky ungrateful bitch
Riz: BETOLLLLLL

When counting my blessings, I have to count my friends twice.

For Riz, who told me to sign up for AAM (in case the car breaks down again)

For KZ, who reminded me that, no matter how jahat I am, and whatever sin I commit, I must take care of my prayers

For Malena, who rolls her eyes and gives me her famous I-told-you-so looks

For Ryan, who tells me to listen to my mother (he hasn’t a clue how difficult this would be)

For Yin, who told me not to drown in self-pity, as I need to realize that there’s still a world out there, despite my sadness

For Non, with whom I could borrow flare stretchable trousers

For Za, who never seem to run out of inane topics to talk about

For Vardamir, who shares his honest thoughts always (whether or not I agree with him is a different story altogether)

For Zsazsa, Ayeen & Niena… For the twins… For Adriana…

I have a whole lot of people around me, and they never fail to be there when I call for them. They don’t always tell me what I want to hear, but they’d always give me what I need.

And for that, I am thankful.

6 sides to a coin is a dice

I’m seeing a lot of things, hearing a lot of versions, facing the odds here and there, and reflecting myself upon them all.

We all go through shit, some more so than the rest, but we all face it to a certain degree. But who am I, as an individual, to say that my life is shittier than another’s?

Thing is, our resilience level vary in different aspects of our life. Some could take a hell of pressure at work; others can’t live without friends; some could cry with the slightest pinch; others couldn’t care less with no or little money; some have struggling relationship with their mothers (heh heh); and others could never win the chick.

Yes, we know we should remain positive. Yes, we know we shouldn’t lose faith. Yes, we know that this too, shall pass.

But we can’t help feeling lost once in a while, can we? Time where we feel so low. Time when you feel unloved; unattractive; uncared for. Time when we’ve given our all, yet the stupid government still won’t deliver the fund promised to us. Time when we are ashamed of ourselves for we were weaken at slightest temptation. Time when we made a bad judgment call, and it was too late to turn it around.

And when you think you’ve almost reached your limits, the stupid restaurant forgot to take out the Chinese Chives from your Char Kuey Teow!

But the thing is, we have to keep counting our blessings. For every single thing we have pushing us down, we have tenfold of others to pull us up.

Despite so, every now and again, it’s good to be reminded of what we have in our lives and of those who matter. It’s good to have someone to share some promising words - more often than not, words that you already know. Something such common of sense, yet in your sorrow of facing your ordeal, you tend to be consumed by it and overlook what’s in front of you.

Of course this will not take the trouble away, but at least it keeps you sane and life becomes bearable again. And you can hopefully think more clearly of the choices heading your way - to know which wave to surf and which battle to fight.

As Vardamir rightly quoted from Al-Baqarah,
On no soul doth Allah Place a burden greater than it can bear…

Someone told me recently that when we love something so much, it becomes our tests.

With this, we have at least two choices. Either to never love something (or someone) so much so as not to get hurt, or to stumble every now and then, but know what living is all about.

For Life is a one-way street.

tabula rasa n.

Pronunciation: /TAB-yu-la RA-sa/

1. the human mind in its hypothetical primary blank or empty state
2. the human mind (esp. at birth) viewed as having no innate ideas

Examples:

1. Arysa Aida is in a state of tabula rasa
2. Arysa Aida is a true tabula rasa

Running forward to find yourself 10 steps behind

Have you ever looked into the mirror and not recognize the person staring back at you?

Dorian Gray was a lucky bastard to have had a portrait that grew ugly on his behalf.

I am tired of hearing my mother saying I should make more effort and put some make up on - I’m afraid to confess that I don’t even own any.

I am tired of being accommodating, when in the end, more often than not I end up unhappy.

I am tired of going out of my way for the feelings of others, when they don’t give a flying fuck how I feel.

I am tired of not trying hard enough.

I am tired for not having a clear mind, for being so slow in my conscience.

I am tired of wanting to sweep everything under the carpet. And pray that the next time I lift it up, all the mess are gone.

I am tired of feeling I shouldn’t even feel this way!

I wish I could just zap myself gone. I wish I were a witch. (Of course the other times I wish so is when my room is so messy but I’m lazy to clean up!)

For I am guilty.

As I am an insensitive bitch who is ignorant of others.

As I don’t try my best, and I don’t take charge.

For relating my victim story, when I am just another sulky spoilt brat, carping on the littlest things. When I should be counting my blessing instead.

And I hope I still have my conscience intact. For my biggest fear, is to be in the lost, and not even know it.

In case you haven’t guessed, I don’t like myself very much right now. And I’m afraid that I might hurt all those who mattered to me, as I take my time to look into the mirror again.