Drifting a Relationship Drift

Dear Vardamir,

You accused me of not thinking. And so I sat down with my pen and paper, and subject myself to write up a profile of Mr. Right - a profile you claim each and every one of us to have.

He has to be taller than me (but you know this already)

Good foundation of the religion, that he can imam my solat and lead me the right path, for I am a weak person.

Good at what he does; for I believe that a man needs to feel fulfilled in his work/career. (Of course to a certain extent, a woman needs this too, but we women more often than not would put career second after family) I believe that a man’s pride is a delicate substance, and the confidence he has of himself (and the baggage he learn to shrug off) shapes his perspective of life.

Earn respectable income, and this normally come hand in hand with being good at work/career. Not because of the silly attitude of “your money is my money; and my money is my money”, but more because he is the provider of the household. Men are natural hunters, and they fend for their family. I do not want my man to feel inadequate in any way in this sense.

Does not compete for my attention with my family. I’m not the most family-oriented person on earth, nor do I have such enviable family. But they are my blood and will always be. I know where my priorities will be after marriage, but there shouldn’t be any major conflict of the two.

Accepts me for the person I am, and the ugly being I hide from the public’s eyes. Doesn’t try to change me in any way, for I won't try to change him. But instead, we should both look forward to grow together.

There are a few other things I wrote, but I stopped when I realized that I found just the person I was describing.

Akmal. He fit every single thing I had on my paper, and a whole lot more. In his own way, he was a thoroughbred from a respectable family background. Bright in his studies; solid in his work. Grounded as a person. Athletic in nature. He passed my acid test for the ideal height I look in men – he was still a good few inches taller when I had my 3-inch Prada on :) He is tanned, and very sweet looking. Hell, we looked good together.

I let him go after 4 months.

This is when I realized that being in love is not about ticking a checklist. You and I, we have seen many instances of relationships not working out when people based their decisions on this checklist. Though Akmal loved me right, he was Mr. Wrong. It hurt to hurt him, but I’d be living a lie to stay with him.

I know it doesn’t make sense to you why I was in love with Ninja, but he’s one of the few who drew the hidden side in me. He fulfilled me intrinsically. Yes, we looked wrong together. God, we’re not even of the same religion. And yes he even wronged me! But for those moments that we were together, were the moments I knew what it feels like to be in love. What does it matter how we looked to other people?

And Vardamir, we know there are “perfect” couples who’s been divorced, simply because things are not as it always seem. No matter how right they look to us, who are we to judge what works for them?

For the heart is a fragile thing. And Vardamir, matters of the heart seldom make sense. I am not justifying my actions, but a man of your intelligence need to be a bit more open-minded, and a bit less judgmental.

You Vardamir, are looking for your Hilary Clinton, while I’m just your ordinary girl next door.

You’re right on one count. You need to think less, and I need to be less impulsive. I can tell you that I am reflecting on my life a whole lot more than before. I know things don’t make sense, but hey, c’est la vie.

I am taking my time. I have no train to catch, no deadline to meet.