I waited for Dawn but the night stayed Long

I’ve sorrowed in self-pity for too long. When I wondered why mom couldn’t accept me as the person that I am, I think I forget to accept her as she is too. I may say I do, but I do so with more than just a bit of resentment.

She is the one person I seek approval of. So I find it hard to deny her. Fulfilling her unreasonable requests does drive me crazy at times yet I don’t put a stop to it. I get upset of her demands but now I think, maybe she doesn’t even realize it’s offending me.

I don’t even know I was doing this. Not until Yin asked me last week,

“Why are you compensating for your late sister?”

You see, I had an elder sister. She was 9 years older than me but she died 10 years ago. She was the perfect daughter in my mother’s eyes (I think so, despite her denying it). Sis got along fabulously with mom and didn’t answer back when they disagree. She was pretty - looks after my mom; smart; active; confident and very well liked (but naturally!). They even shared the same taste in most things.

In contrast, I’ve always been different. I don’t take after either parents and was geeky-looking all through school. I had asthma when young, thus refrained from joining any sporting activities for fear of exerting myself too much. I’ve always been talkative, but not sure if I was as lively.

And I resented comments like “Why couldn’t you be like your sister who does this... and that?”

Now, whenever mom brings sis up when we fight, I’d get doubly frustrated. I'd feel cornered.

“She’s gone!!!!” I’d shout.

“Don’t bring her up again! I am sorry she died. I am sorry you lost your daughter and you’re left with me instead!” I’d yell.

Yes I said those things. But subconsciously, I tried to emulate her. I tried to be more like her to help ease my mother’s pain. Subconsciously, I was hoping to relief her the sorrow of having to bury her own child.

But it's not doing either of us any good, is it?