Running forward to find yourself 10 steps behind

Have you ever looked into the mirror and not recognize the person staring back at you?

Dorian Gray was a lucky bastard to have had a portrait that grew ugly on his behalf.

I am tired of hearing my mother saying I should make more effort and put some make up on - I’m afraid to confess that I don’t even own any.

I am tired of being accommodating, when in the end, more often than not I end up unhappy.

I am tired of going out of my way for the feelings of others, when they don’t give a flying fuck how I feel.

I am tired of not trying hard enough.

I am tired for not having a clear mind, for being so slow in my conscience.

I am tired of wanting to sweep everything under the carpet. And pray that the next time I lift it up, all the mess are gone.

I am tired of feeling I shouldn’t even feel this way!

I wish I could just zap myself gone. I wish I were a witch. (Of course the other times I wish so is when my room is so messy but I’m lazy to clean up!)

For I am guilty.

As I am an insensitive bitch who is ignorant of others.

As I don’t try my best, and I don’t take charge.

For relating my victim story, when I am just another sulky spoilt brat, carping on the littlest things. When I should be counting my blessing instead.

And I hope I still have my conscience intact. For my biggest fear, is to be in the lost, and not even know it.

In case you haven’t guessed, I don’t like myself very much right now. And I’m afraid that I might hurt all those who mattered to me, as I take my time to look into the mirror again.